Looking for true north…

“I’m always where I want to be, doing what I want to be doing.” How many of us can say that and actually be honest in doing so? Leo Babauta’s post on zenhabits today got me thinking of this.

I often fall into the trap of playing what Leo calls the “fool’s game” of wishing I was doing something different—or better or more exciting or traveling to more exotic places. And then I think of what I would be missing…and all that I have found myself grateful for in small moments of clarity and grace lately.

Moonlight glowing on my son’s healthy brown cheeks as I watched him sleep last night…cherry tomatoes picked from the garden exploding with juice in my mouth…the gentle Delta breeze keeping temperatures delightfully perfect this week…warm skin against mine throughout the night…the dog running along a dirt path with the pure abandon that only a dog must know…the sweet fragrance of alfalfa through the car’s open windows as we explore country close to home.

I’m limping along these days…literally with a broken foot. I have to slow down, no running for a bit. And figuratively…I was told I have until August 5th at this job and so I’ve been grappling with ‘where do I want to be, where do I go from here and how do I get there?’ I keep picking up the compass, looking for true north and the needle spins, unable to settle in place.

A few images from adventures close to home…

I am good enough

Dec. 17—Reverb 10—Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (prompt author: Tara Weaver)

I am good enough now…not when I lose those last 10 (or 15!) tenacious pounds, not when I’ve published in a major national magazine or top literary journal, not when my child finally learns to behave perfectly (keep dreaming!), not when I finish my memoir, not when I snag that photography fellowship, not when I master cooking, not when I get the perfect haircut, not when I can let go completely of negative emotions, not when I finish everything on my to-do list (’cause it just grows and changes anyway), not when I finally learn how to play the guitar.

How will I apply that lesson? It’s a perpetual learning curve–this self-love and acceptance. Some days I get an A; other days an F. By constantly reminding myself, either with visuals on my fridge or writing in my journal, of what my body allows me to do and how I contribute positively to this world I live in, I am filled with a sense of satisfaction and peace with who I am in the here and now.