Dropping things, nervous, hands shaking, stomach knotted. Do my breasts hold small insidious killer cells or are they just “lumpy”? I may not have always been happy with their size—too small I’ve sometimes complained. But they swelled with pride and milk when they nourished my babes—giving them life, rosy cheeks and strong bodies.
They don’t bounce obnoxiously when I run for miles and miles. They still stand alert, at attention, when a brisk cold wind blows or a kiss is planted along my neck. I treasure them, with their little stretch marks that tell stories, like lines on a palm. They will never sag to my waist like two tennis balls in tube socks as one friend once described hers—the same woman who found killer cells. She’s okay now, with two perky breasts sculpted under a surgeon’s knife. I’d prefer to keep these breasts, imperfect though they may be, the surface sensitive to touch, nipples with neurons intact. In this waiting room, I’m praying for lumpy breasts.
Road Momma 
This is a remarkably touching post. I’m right there with you. You’ve helped me think of my breasts with more tenderness, more compassion, more attachment.
I, too, pray for your lumpy breasts.
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May your prayers be answered. I think they will be.
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tj-
you are brave to share this, to mark this moment of unknowing, of hope. you are brave, too, to tend to your body, to risk an undoing. i am hoping for you today, sending you strength and calm and clarity.
may there be peace and lumps.
xo.
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Thank you Rebecca, Suzanne and Rachel for your warm thoughts and kind words. Indeed, they are just “lumpy” 🙂 But the past couple of weeks have been a little nerve wracking! I can feel this sisterhood through your words and it brought such comfort. Thank you.
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hooray!
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Thank you for your bravery and honesty here. I see from the above comment that your prayers for “lumpiness” have come true and I am so relieved. But, again, thank you for putting this piece of yourself out here, for allowing us to support you through a tough and tricky time.
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Hi TJ,
I found you through my friend, Rebecca’s ( http://altaredspaces.com ) blog. I see you’re also a #reverb10 participant! I had fun with reverb10, too!
Anyway, I popped on over and found this moving and vulnerable post. I’m so glad to have also gotten to see the “lumpy” results quickly. The “wait” in such situations is incredibly stressful and I’m so sorry for your scare, but glad to hear that all is well.
You’re a wonderful writer… I’ll be reading more!
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Many women don’t know that dimples are signs of possible breast cancer, too. Any changes in a breast needs to be checked immediately with your doctor – lumps and dimples.
I am going to start working with breast cancer patients (and others who wish to be organized for the future or now) to help them get organized so that their medical wishes will be known and followed should they not be able to speak for themselves one day – you can find out more on my program at kaydiller.com. (“Planning, Preparing and Peace” – a simple 9 step program with a workbook to help you get organized for you and your loved ones should a medical emergency happen.)
I’m also glad that your results were “lumpy breasts.” Your prayers were answered.
My best,
Kay
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